Sunday, as church was wrapping up, God brought a thought into my head. So I wanted to write it down before my scattered mind lost it forever. (Sad and true...) It was awesome what happened when I put the pen to the paper--much like the energizer bunny, it kept going and...well, you get the picture. :)
This is what came out:
*NOTE*
There are some things in here that I didn't say outright. BUT at the same time, I really do want you to
know what I mean by them. So leave a comment/question... let's spark some Jesus-centered discussion!
Love with Fact
Carly Donaldson
10/16/2011
When I run out of cowardice, laziness sets in. I sit, I stew, I'm convicted, I'm bruised, I'm unused. I allow it to happen, I welcome it in. This precious disease comes to light, seeping out through my skin. I'm complacent, then impatient. I complain about something that's my own fault. I'd love to blame, but I'm the one who should be ashamed. I fall so short, but it's like I don't even try to reach. I need to leap, I need to strive, so many times I'm not even alive. Just existing, wasting everyone's time with these nothing, disgusting pursuits of mine. Why is it that I just trod along? No purpose, no wisdom, nothing to show for it. I'd tell you I care, that I'm striving for gold, but as my actions declare, I'd obviously rather just sit in the cold. I need fire, I need life. I need Passion again. And the kind that makes me get up and dance instead of pass on the chance. I pass on the Joy, I pass on the Peace. I don't understand that I have to pursue the things my soul needs. I sit idle, unmoving, unchanging, stubborn day by day. It's no wonder everyone else turns away, I would too. I do. I in myself am worth nothing at all. There's no use for my flesh. It's Christ I need: to just fill me all the way up, with nothing left to be hidden from Him--or anyone else. My life should reflect, my actions should match. If I said, "This is my heart" who would dare believe me? Of course I would doubt. I talk with my mouth, but my actions deceive. My mind is tricked, but does it even want to see? Does it want to understand? Does it want to give in? In this life, on this earth, can I be more than just skin? I'm getting more desperate, restless. God, sink in! Take over my heart. From experience I know that without You, it all falls COMPLETELY apart. There's no need, there's no cause. My mind is confused, my heart is so lost. Then the battle gets lost. Demolish myself-there's no need to exist. Forget I'm here, forget about lists and schedules and time. Forget about the world--can I just call you mine? Forget to pursue anything or anyone except for the Holy You. Take it all, take me away. Take me out of the equasion, just throw me away. Make me crumble, make me let You choose. I'm down. I'm done. I've got absolutely nothing left to lose. Earthly pursuits hold no muse. I've traveled that way, I've done my time. I'm ready, I hope, to get past this uselessness of mine. Take me, shape me, build me from scratch. I would tell You I love You, but I want it to be true. I can say it all day long, but with my actions, I have to choose. I want to love You more and love You better. Help my heart to be serious about that. I't not about feeling, it's all about fact.
